So, this is my story, for the ones that wanna know more about me
I was born in a little village in Portugal, called Peso, on March 19th, 1998.
I lived in there ‘till I was two, and then I moved to Lisbon.
At the age of two, I also lost a really important person in my life. My grandfather. I still remember him. My mom thinks it’s impossible… I was only two when he passed away, from cancer…
It was really sad, because I didn’t had my grandparents, from my mom’s side either…
But enough with the sad story…
I was only child ‘till the age of five, when my little sister Mariana born.
I just really liked her. She was my precious little thing. And she still is. Even tho, I don’t say it a lot, I love my sister. She’s one of the best people in my entire life.
At the age of five I already knew how to read. That was when I got in school.
I loved school, way back there, even tho I didn’t had many friends… Or no friends at all… I was kind of an outsider…
Well… I still am.
Too mature for my age, people used to say. Well, it isn’t my fault that I was growing too fast!
I just didn’t liked the loud noises, or the stupid little games. It was not my thing. I’d rather sit in my corner, drawing, or simply look at the trees outside.
I learned fast. And no, I was not the teacher’s pet. Even tho, they kinda liked me.
At 2nd grade, I finally started getting some friends… I was socially awkward. Not that I wasn’t nice or anything… I just didn’t liked people.
At 3rd grade I became friends with the ones that are currently my best friends, Miriam and Cláudia. I still don’t know what made me like them so much… The truth is that I did, and still do, and every day they make me love them even more.
They became more than just friends to me. They became part of my family. My little sisters.
Musical and performing classes made everything pass flying. I always had big roles on the school’s Christmas musicals, and I once sang for someone actually important. I liked the stage. It made me feel good about myself. Even tho I didn’t like to speak to people, everything changed when I was singing.
It was my moment.
Time kept on passing, and I had to say goodbye to the old school… Thank God Cláudia and Miriam went to the same school as I did.
At the end of 5th grade, I received one letter from the school, saying that I was one of the best students at the school, and I would receive a prize (and I did… a Swatch.). I liked being a nerd. I still do! And I’m not the kind of people that spent hours reading the books.
And like that, time was passing… day after day, year after year… I got away for performance, because my new school didn’t had a musical theatre department… Which was really sad.
I never failed a year. Even tho my mom’s depression really got me down… So down I started crying in the middle of the classes for no reason and kept repeating to myself “Everything will be okay”. Thank God my teachers and colleagues never told anyone about it… My mom simply couldn’t know that I was that down because of it…
I guess that was the year I decided to drop on society. I started hating on everyone. I felt angry all the time, and every time someone tried to talk with me, I either started yelling at them or simply crying. Yes, I was that bad.
Hearing my mom crying and yelling at the middle of the night was like passing through my heart with a knife. It was painfull. It was killing me inside.
I hated myself for hating everyone when it wasn’t their fault. And because of my dad, I hated myself even more.
He kept on saying that I was the reason of my mom’s depression. I didn’t believed it at first, but after hearing it every single day I actually thought it was my fault. And I felt awful.
I won’t deny it. I once seriously felt too tired. I kept on thinking that, if I died, no one would actually miss me. I looked at the knifes in the kitchen, controling myself not to get them.
It finally popped in my head. What the hell was I thinking about?! Thank God that the sane part of me kept me from doing something crazy, for stuff that wasn’t even my fault.
I put myself back together. My mom needed me to be strong for her. And that was exactly what I did.
I needed to be the wall my mom needed. So, I changed.
I stopped being mad at everything and everyone. My grades started going up again. I stopped crying. I felted better about myself.
My mom started to get better too…
My friends never touched the subject again. And, ‘till today, I guess only one person knew about me thinking of hurting myself.
I turned back to music. Singing made me happy. And I needed to be happy, constantly, or else I could just have a break down and come back to the girl that fall asleep crying, in her bed.
Time passed. Things got better. I got better.
Glee just helped me way too much. Glee literally saved my life. It was so positive! It was something good in my life.
The stretch marks issue came later… A lot of stretch marks started appearing from no where, and I was hating it. I was actually considering not to go to beach, that year… I was so ashamed of them. I couldn’t look myself at the mirror.
And Amber helped me with that. Amber Riley made me realize that I am beautiful. It doesn’t matter if I have stretch marks or not. I am beautiful anyways.
Somehow, just her words gave me the confidence I needed. So, yeah. I started wearing shorts, I went to the beach, feeling awesome… Confidence. That’s what Amber gave me. And that’s what I needed.
And that leads us to 2011/2012…
I am a teenager. It’s normal for us to get mad at our parents, right?
Well… Is it normal to spend 3 weeks without talking to your own dad? Because that happened, not a long time ago.
It happened over the stupidest thing ever, and because of that, we didn’t talked for 3 entire weeks. Which happened once, a few years earlier… But back in there, we only spent one week without talking. This time I wasn’t saying sorry. Not for something so stupid as that.
The air was really heavy…
If he was on the kitchen, and I stepped in, he would automatically go out. He was so bothered my presence, I can’t even tell… Most of the times, he was near to explode with anger.
But he knew I was a smart girl… He knew that if he actually hits me, I can go to the police, and he can actually go arrested.
I guess that’s why he never hit me…
Well… the air eventually got lighter. He gave up and started talking with me again… So I guess everything is okay now…
So far, this is all I have to tell…
Sorry for making you waste your time…
